Run.

That's all I seem to want to do these days. I want to buy a small trailer, just big enough for my bike and the few things that I couldn't stand to leave behind, and just run. Without telling a soul. A new city, a new life. Make up a story about where I came from, and what my life was like before I got there. Keep it vague, and refuse to talk about it in detail. Just start fresh. Never going to be able to do it from here though. This city devours the souls of those who weren't born in it.

I find myself caught in a strange place. I want to go back to the way I was just six months ago. Cold, without a single fuck to give. I want to tell everyone to go fuck themselves, because I don't need them. I don't need anyone. Problem is, that I can't. Suddenly I care. Suddenly I can't do without the few friends that I have left. I want to disappear, vanish from the face of the earth like I did before, but I can't. I hate and love it at the same time. Same as I hate and love the reason. It's been so long since I've genuinely cared about much of anything that I don't know how to handle it. I find myself going to desperate measures to fit in with this new identity. I feel like I'm faking it, but at the same time it seems real. I care, but I do not feel alive. I look at the world and I see so many people living and I envy them, because I feel like I almost had that. I feel like it was at my fingertips, then something changed. Maybe I should have tried a little harder. Instead of sitting back, and trying to be a breath of fresh air. I figured that being the only one who wasn't trying, might make me stand out a little more. Make me a little more genuine. I can't help but think about it.

I'm standing in a sea of darkness. I'm looking for a passing ship to come and save me, and there is none. I feel alone. People think that I open up to them, that I let my innermost self out, but it's only what I allow them to see. Only one person has actually seen the torn and ragged remains of my shallowly beating heart. I keep it in a little box, trying to keep it from being destroyed completely. I feel like it might be too late. Every day I feel a little weaker, I feel like I can't even unleash the beast, to protect me while I heal. It's getting harder to get out of bed in the morning. I force myself to use what little energy I have left to do things. Hoping, praying, that I'll find something...or someone...that can make me feel whole. In the end I feel like it's useless. I feel that soon, I'll be just another memory, soon to be forgotten. Like a bad joke. All the heroes are dead. There's no one left to save the broken, at least not in my world. I'm just not that lucky.

"If it means the death of me, I won't let go. And if I'm lost in the worlds shadows, I'll use the light that comes to me from your Halo." Starset - Halo

"My whole body...

...feels like it's cracking into pieces, fragile doesn't even come close to describing how I feel." Nikki Sixx - Girl With Golden Eyes

I'm beginning to truly believe that falling in love is a mistake. All it ever brings is pain in the end.

Misplaced

Corpse misplaced amongst the living,
Heart beat stopped but mind still beating.
Standing along side in his perfect disguise,
They think he still cares, they think he's alive.
He doesn't know cold, he doesn't feel heat,
Just empty hunger, like the ground at his feet.
Just a corpse misplaced amongst the living,
Chest torn open, not a drop of blood  bleeding.
Passing for human, just barely,
Waiting for his obituary.
Corpse misplaced amongst the living,
Heart beat stopped, mind still beating.

Die tonight.

Would you die tonight?
If I told you it would save my life?
If everything were black and white,
Would you sacrifice?

If I were to die tonight,
Would it help to know that you were right?
I needed you the whole time,
It just wasn't worth the fight.

I would die tonight,
If it meant you would never cry.
Anything to see you smile,
Worth every sacrifice.

Ashes. (A two AM narrative)

     Ash drifted on the wind, like emberless fireflies against a pale backdrop. Gideon witnessed the scene with a solemn air if helplessness. In his right hand, he held all that remained of what was once his life. The best and the worst parts, all tucked into one small scrap of paper.
     The fire had burnt itself out  hours ago, but still the air around the foundation was hot, and burned the throat as it was breathed in. Gideon stepped through what used to be the front door, now just a blackened portal to a very real nightmare. As his broken down, worn out boot struck the floor, a flurry of ash rose and covered his pants legs. His left hand ventured out, brushing his fingertips over a now blackened picture frame. Gideon jerked back, the glass had yet to cool. Just another reminder that everything he had this morning, was now gone. Everything except the scrap of paper he now clutched in his right hand.
    Gideon moved into the next room, the ruins of what used to be his kitchen. The immense heat has caused the refrigerator to warp, and pop open. What little food he had saved, was now just indiscernible lumps of charcoal. His fingers tightened on the scrap of salvation he held in his right hand.
    Room by room, the scene was the same. Living so far away from people, nobody even knew that any of this had happened. Not a soul called for help, not a single tear was being shed for Gideon, or his loss.
    Gideon closed his eyes, remembering in detail the events of the night, as the sun began to peek through the trees on the horizon. Smoke had filled his nostrils, and immediately he jerked himself awake. The long day previous, meant he had fallen asleep in his clothes, boots included. He bolted for the door, crashing through it without thinking. The fire was already coming down the hallway toward his bedroom, and it was coming fast. Gideon dashed back into the room, snatching frantically at the things on his night stand. Keys, wallet, clock...suddenly he stopped, his eyes resting on a small photograph sticking out from under a lamp. Calmness swept over him, he dropped the meaningless things that he had been holding on to. Delicately, he reached out and took the photograph. The picture had been creased in places, and in a couple of places had gotten wet, but the mere sight of it brought a tranquillity to his mind.
    The room was getting hotter. Gideon snapped back to reality and moved to the window. With one hand he pushed the window up, and lept to the safety of the ground below. For the next several hours, Gideon sat and watched his home -his world- burn to the ground. Still, he clutched the photograph, and in casual silence, waited for the flames to die down. He had saved the one thing that he couldn't bear to lose. To him, that picture was worth more than anything else in the world, and as long as he held it, he knew he could rebuild.
    In his life, Gideon had learned a few things. Some things are worth fighting for. Some things are worth waiting for indefinitely. Some of the most painful things are the ones that matter most. Sometimes, just sometimes, you have to watch it all burn down before you can build it up again. In the end though, as he clutched that photograph in his hand, he knew he would be okay as long as he never let go.

Hell Hath No Fury .

So much red, you can't say the didn't see me.

Save Me if I Become...

I suppose it's time for a post of some actual substance. Let us see, what's happened. I guess first and foremost, the Harlot is back on the road, and running better than ever. Besides just fixing the damaged bits, I did a little upgrading...

 Such as straight pipes (no muffler) and she is LOUD. Sounds like a horny angel screaming down the black top.

 I took some time and re-painted the engine.

Swapped the mirrors for chrome, and put the headlight together in a much better way. Found an original backrest and customized it to look just as bad ass as the rest of the bike.

And with the addition of highway lights, she makes night driving on dark highways so much more comfortable.

Speaking of dark highways. Last weekend was pretty great, starting Thursady night with a killer rock show (Pretty Reckless, Adelitas Way, and Falling Through April) where I caught my first guitar pick ever. So many of them have touched my fingertips only to disappear, but this time I caught one. Made the night that much better, as well as getting to ride with my friend again. Then Friday afternoon, my dad and I left for Oregon to go to my friends wedding. There's nothing quite like covering hundreds of miles on a couple gallons of gasoline. Which reminds me, my new pipes gained me 7 miles to the gallon. Score. The wedding was beautiful, and truly awesome. My oldest friend has found the one who he was meant to be with. The surrounding area was amazing too, with tons of pictures taken.

In other news, I finally signed up for a gym. Yesterday was day two of going, and it now hurts to lift a glass to drink from. Going to keep it going though, for reasons beyond what I wish to say here. However, I'm going to make my progress public, so that it gives me a sense of dedication to keep doing it. So, shield your eyes from my whiteness, here's where I'm starting from. I guess you could say that I just want to match my bike...

That's all for now, workout progress will happen once a month I think, and if anything exciting happens you'll be sure to know.

"Mayday...mayday...the ship is slowly sinking. They think I'm crazy, but they don't know the feeling.They're all around me, circling like vultures...they wanna break me and wash away my colors...wash away my colors.

Take me high and I'll sing, oh you make everything okay (okay, okay) okay (okay, okay). We are one in the same, oh you take all of the pain away (away, away) away (away, away). Save me if I become my Demons." My Demons - Starset

Like Lighting Dipped in Kerosene

The Harlot is back.

Even the angels looked in awe...

Look at the highway rolling on by,
Listen to the Demons screaming with delight,
Like thunder laced with cyanide.

The Angel tilts her in wonder,
The urge to sin rises deep inside her,
This darkness-clad psycho-rider.

Alone with the road you can finally speak,
To the demons screaming in your head,
Calm down you malevolent voices,
Things always change once you've bled.

I can finally say...
I am not afraid.