The last couple of months have been....tedious. I feel like I'm falling apart. One second I say "Screw it, I'm done being the hero." Then the next second I say "I have no voice in the matter, I'll be the hero until the day I die." Who even knows what's real anymore?
I've had a lot of moments in the last week or so, where I should have said something, but didn't. The most recent just last night. "Where are those girls anyway?" "Skiing in New Zealand." (A moment of quiet.) "There isn't even anything to add to that." So nothing was added. It was left at that. Know what I wanted to say though? "I miss her." But I didn't, because I know that I have to let her go. I'm living with the regret that I never got to tell her everything that I wanted to. The regret that I'm too broken to fight anymore. I don't even think I know how.
I'm trying to get her out of my mind, but in the silences of the night, the only thing I can think about is everything I don't have. When do us good guys get our chance? When do I get my chance?
I'm getting over it, slowly, day by day. I've come to a final conclusion. I have one last chance at redemption. I've done a lot of bad things in my life. I've caused a lot of pain. There's a lot of things that I'm not proud of. Things that I would really rather forget.
One last chance. One final, desperate grasp at something that I feel I more than deserve, and if this doesn't work...well then...I really don't know. For once, I just don't have the answers.
One final thing before I close this up. Where ARE those girls? I've come to believe that they might not exist. For those of you wondering what type of girls I refer to, I'm talking about the girl that likes to have fun. The ones that can rock with the best of them, air guitars while driving, isn't afraid of a little mud, blood, sweat and tears. The ones that not only hand you a wrench, but helps you turn it under the hood. The ones that call shotgun just as loud as the boys, and rides in the middle seat. The DJ's that know what to play on a roadtrip. Someone please fill me in on where they're at, because I'm starting to believe that they don't exist anymore.
"Save me from losing myself, I'm hanging on by a thread. Can you see who I am, underneath my scars?" -The Letter Black, Hanging on by a Thread.
